From Burnout and Depression to healing: My Journey with Ayahuasca, Plant Medicine, and integration
- Marije Van Neck
- 3 hours ago
- 7 min read
Depression, the Big Black Monster
It sneaks in quietly.
Slowly.
Until one day you realize you’re carrying a mask so heavy you can barely breathe beneath it.
For me, depression felt like a big black monster, one I know intimately, and one I never want to meet again.
Years ago, alongside a deep burnout, that monster pulled me further away from myself than I thought possible. On the outside I looked successful, career, house, responsibilities.
Inside, I was empty, exhausted, and slowly disappearing.
This is the story of how depression broke me open… and how plant medicine, alongside deep inner work and integration, helped me heal, remember who I am, and choose a life that finally feels true.
Trying to Fit Into a Life That Wasn’t Mine
I desperately wanted to fit in.
So I followed the script:
Have the career.
Have the house.
Have the car.
Have the status.
On the outside, everything looked fine.
On the inside, I was slowly disappearing.
Over twenty years, I held four major positions in large companies. Every four or five years, I would quit, travel for six months, feel alive again… and then return to Belgium and repeat the same cycle.
When I travelled, I felt free. Connected. Happy.
When I came back, the mask went back on.
During my last job, the mask became unbearable.
I was forty years old. I had been with the company nearly five years. Deep down, I knew it was time to leave.
But this time, the black monster was already there.
And I could no longer see a way out.
The Church
One day, completely broken, I walked into a small church near my home.
For the first time in my life, I spoke to God.
I asked:
“Is this life? Working all the time, little time for joy, a few weeks of holiday each year… and that’s it?”
I didn’t hear a voice. Nothing mystical happened.
But something inside me became very quiet.
And in that silence, I felt truth.
I knew I had to change something drastically if I ever wanted to be truly happy again.
Still Working While Falling Apart
I kept going to work, even in my darkest period.
Not because I was strong, but because I had no other choice.
After renovating my house, I had a double mortgage. Sick leave at 60% of my salary wasn’t an option. So every day, I put on the heavy mask and showed up.
During that time, I began drinking more alcohol.
Back then, I didn’t think I had a problem.
Now I understand:
Addiction is rarely the problem. It is often the pain speaking.
When you need something every day, it usually means there is pain that hasn’t been seen yet.
Then COVID arrived.
Isolation deepened.
I worked in retail, so I saw people during the day. But at night, I returned to an empty house.
Fear was everywhere.
It was the darkest period of my life.
And somehow… I am grateful for it now.
Because without it, I might never have changed everything.
The Master Plan
When I left that little church, something shifted.
For the first time in years, I felt hope.
I went home and created a master plan.
A plan to free myself from the black monster.
I decided to sell everything.
My house.
My belongings.
My old life.
I wanted to leave the country, not to escape, but to heal.
Really heal.
Saying Yes to Life Again
It took ten months to prepare.
Then I quit my job, I had sold everything, and chose my first destination.
Because of COVID restrictions, Costa Rica was open.
So Costa Rica it was.
I made one promise to myself:
I would say yes to anything that could support my healing.
In Belgium, I had said no to life.
Now, I chose to say yes to life again.
My First Experience with Plant Medicine
I arrived at a yoga retreat. It wasn’t what I expected, but it was where I needed to be.
One afternoon, I met a woman in a café outside the retreat. She spoke to me about Bufo.
We talked for hours. She offered me a session and gave me a week to think about it.
I didn’t need the week, but I took it.
Something deep inside me knew I needed this.
Bufo (5-MeO-DMT) is a powerful psychedelic medicine derived from the secretion of the Sonoran Desert toad, known for inducing profound ego-dissolving and non-dual experiences.
The experience was terrifying and incredibly beautiful at the same time.
I remember hearing:
“Everything will be okay. You are courageous. But you need to change.”
That moment gave me the kickstart I needed.
When Ayahuasca Entered My Life
About 2 months later, during a yoga teacher training in Colombia, a woman asked if I wanted to join an ayahuasca ceremony.
I said yes before even knowing what ayahuasca was.
Later I asked, “What is ayahuasca?”
She answered:
“It’s a medicine that shows you how to heal.”
That was enough.
The ceremony was intense.
I purged.
I saw parts of myself I didn’t want to see.
But I also saw my strength.
Ayahuasca did not heal me for me.
It gave me the courage to face what needed to change.
The Long Road of Healing and Integration
After that first ceremony, I knew this wasn’t a quick fix.
Healing became a path.
I sat in more ceremonies.
I worked with experienced shamans and maestros.
I learned how to sit with myself.
How to listen.
How to be alone.
Slowly, my desire to drink disappeared.
I began releasing relationships that were unhealthy.
Life became simpler.
Yoga. Sound. Breathwork. Dance. Writing. Silence.
Integration meant learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of numbing them, creating daily rituals of stillness and breath, and making courageous changes in boundaries, relationships, and life direction.
I realized many of my desires had never truly been mine.
They were ways to numb pain.
From Healing to Giving Back
Eventually, a deep calling emerged: to give back.
I began teaching yoga, offering sound journeys, and facilitating safe psilocybin ceremonies in Asia and Europe.
In 2025, that calling guided me to Peru, a place that was never part of my original plan, yet life kept leading me back to the jungle.
Today I work at the Garden of Peace.
This is not a luxury retreat.
Healing here is real. And sometimes very hard.
I meet people suffering from depression, burnout, anxiety, addiction, loss of direction, and physical illness, but also people who just want to dive deeper into the power of plants.
I see them arrive closed, disconnected, and afraid.
Then slowly, something shifts.
They begin sleeping again.
They begin feeling again.
They begin remembering who they are.
Witnessing these transformations is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
A Short Word About Master Plant Dietas
For some, ayahuasca ceremonies are only the beginning.
A master plant dieta is a deeper, quieter healing path, working with specific jungle plants over time in simplicity and discipline, guided by experienced shamans.
I support guests before, during, and after their dieta, helping them stay grounded and integrate what arises into real life.
Plant medicines are not magic cures and are not suitable for everyone. They must be approached with proper screening, experienced guidance, and deep integration support.
Why the Ayahuasca & Family Constellation Retreat Is Different
Over the years, I have seen many ayahuasca retreats.
Some are beautiful on the surface.
Some are commercial.
Some are intense but rushed.
This 12-Day Ayahuasca & Family Constellation Retreat at the Garden of Peace is different.
It is designed as a complete healing container, not just ceremonies.
Four traditional ceremonies are spaced carefully, allowing time for rest, reflection, and integration.
Family Constellation work helps reveal and gently reorganize deep ancestral and relational patterns often underlying depression, burnout, addiction, and feeling lost.
The retreat is supported by yoga, breathwork, sound healing, sharing circles, silence, nature immersion, and creative expression.
Group size is small. Guests stay in private jungle casitas, creating emotional safety and space.
This retreat welcomes both beginners and experienced plant-medicine travelers.
It is not an easy path.
But it is an honest one.
If This Resonates
If something in this story touches you…
If you recognize the mask.
If you know the black monster.
If you hear that quiet voice telling you it’s time to change…
You are welcome here.
You don’t need to be spiritual.
You don’t need experience.
You only need honesty and the willingness to meet yourself.
• 12-Day Ayahuasca & Family Constellation Retreat
Find out more HERE
• Master Plant & Ayahuasca Dieta
Find out more HERE
• Book a Free Discovery Call HERE
Healing is not easy.
But it is possible.
And sometimes healing begins the moment we stop running and dare to listen.
With all my Love,
Marije
Plant Medicine and Science — What Research Says About Ayahuasca and Depression
While this blog is rooted in my personal healing journey, I also find it important to acknowledge that ayahuasca is no longer only spoken about in spiritual or ancestral contexts.
In recent years, it has also become the subject of serious scientific research.
Several peer-reviewed studies suggest that ayahuasca may have antidepressant effects, particularly in people suffering from treatment-resistant depression, when used in safe, guided settings with proper preparation and integration.
A randomized, placebo-controlled clinical trial found that ayahuasca produced rapid and significant reductions in depressive symptoms in patients with treatment-resistant depression, with effects lasting up to seven days after a single dose.
Cambridge University Press
– Psychological Medicine
A clinical study published on PubMed reported statistically significant reductions in depressive symptoms after a single dose of ayahuasca in patients with recurrent depression.
PubMed – National Library of Medicine
A systematic review published in European Psychiatry concluded that ayahuasca use is associated with reductions in depression scores, along with improvements in emotional processing, self-acceptance, and introspection.
European Psychiatry – Cambridge Core
Longitudinal and observational studies, including naturalistic research conducted at ayahuasca retreats, suggest sustained improvements in depression, anxiety, and overall psychological well-being months after ceremonies.
Frontiers in Psychiatry
What modern science is beginning to understand mirrors what indigenous traditions have known for centuries:
healing happens when we address the root causes of suffering, not just the symptoms.
At the same time, research consistently emphasizes that ayahuasca is not a stand-alone cure. Preparation, guidance, safety, and integration are essential, something I deeply resonate with through my own experience and the work I do today.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is Ayahuasca safe for depression and burnout?
Ayahuasca is not a cure and is not suitable for everyone. Proper screening, experienced guidance, and integration are essential.
Do I need experience with plant medicine?
No. Many guests are beginners seeking emotional healing and personal transformation.
What is a master plant dieta?
A dieta is a traditional healing process working with specific jungle plants in simplicity and discipline under guidance.
How do I know if this retreat is right for me?
We begin with a discovery call to ensure safety, readiness, and alignment.
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